I wanted to write, but got scared of my own shadow

The past few days I have wanted to write on my blog but, well I'm scared now.

I kind-of like hiding my thoughts in a cream colored lace basket. 

but how can you have a lace cloth basket actually hold anything, well you can't.

Can you?

I wish I could put my mind and heart in a safe, like the type of safe that sits up in one of the huge houses up in Alpine, and what do the people up there even keep in their safe anyways?

password, pass-code, finger print, no entrance for intruders.

But that's not where it sits, instead it lays in a cream colored lace basket. sometimes my mind spills through the holes in the lace, sitting on the counter for everyone to see, and staining the basket but don't worry there is always bleach.

I tried to make sense of my mind and got pulled in the current.

drown, sink, float, fly.

I can't gather my thoughts, speaking my mind before I can process. 

My mind is temporarily out of order

Sincerely, Paislee Jane 

xoxo, EH

AHHHH reveal... who you is?

I would like to apologize for this non quality video, the end is pretty cool tho.....

reveal video take 265

Sincerely, Paislee Jane
PS sorry the title makes me sound like a gangster, just I sat in Rubys today on the pier by some cool kats, and I think they changed me. 

Update: positive vibes

It's all good, you don't even have to worry, I'm not feeling chained in anymore.

We left to Cali, and we ain't never coming back. Sea salt rustles my hair into a wavy do. The sun touches my skin, all the while I think of you. 

I'm so greatful to My Heavenly Father for this beauty, the beach looks so splendid this morning, exactly what I needed.

I hope the ones who stayed home are finding their own paradise, because everyone needs a good long break.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane 

A blue hue and wet eyes, it's just me

It's freezing cold, I sit in my room at 6:38 pm with the lights off, sad. Fridays were supposed to be happy. The covers are like chains pulling me deeper and deeper into the depths of my raw heart. My left eye has been stinging all day long and I think I know why. I spent too many dreary days wasting time. Why do we waste time on things that will eventually hurt us?

I thought that I could over look the past

I thought maybe it would all work itself out

I thought that I was lucky

But no. I am naive, I try to change things like the seasons change from green to orange. But you can't, you simply can not change things. I'm really needing some hope right now, and as I write this it makes me feel a little better. I still feel blindsided like I got side swiped by the black Toyota. I'm so young in heart, a ambitious person. But what did that ever do for me. My ambitions landed me in jail. I sit in a prison I created for myself, I'm all alone, I don't want to talk about it, or else I will cry.

I need my alone time, thanks Nelson for having us make that page of things to do when you're sad, I'll be really needing it tonight.

Sincerely (the way naive, and sad) Paislee Jane

blush cheek, journal pages

My journal predicted this day, after all I was excited to the brim.


Jeez I feel like my whole life is so exciting, daring and scary at times but a thrilling adventure none the less.

Excited to Grow up

Excited to go on a date where a guy asked me.

Excited to drive my own car through the canyon with Taylor swift playing on the stereo

Excited for the time when the guy I liked looked at me with soft eyes

August 10th 2010,
Dear Journal,
I wish I could be in the Woods family, their life is so much better than ours. They get to go on fun vacations, and they have really nice stuff. It was so cool to see them, her wedding binder is also very cool- right now I hate school, seventh grade stinks, I don't have any nice friends. I can't wait till I go on my first x and get my first k.    
ps. I love getting good grades     

 (side thought: oh just wait till chemistry, also don't get your hopes up on the whole dating thing)

code translator in the back of my journal
x: Date
k: Kiss


Oh what an age of dreams, I read through my old journal entries and I seem to be lacking some self confidence. I was one of the tallest girls in 7th grade and I do suppose none of the guys were taller than me, after all most of the guys didn't hit their growth spurt till 9th grade. I made lists of what I could do to be popular, skinny, more in style with the fashion of the Alpine kids. But the thing is none of it ever mattered. You can't change the body God gave you, sure you can be healthy but he made you how you are for a reason. If I could write a letter to my seventh grade self to read I would write something like this.

Dear Little Paislee,
Don't compare yourself with the other girls. Promise? Stay innocent. Boys aren't worth it in middle school. Try and find the friends that you can be your quirky self around. Don't make your mom buy you those clothes to be like the other girls, because in high school nothing will change. If they were rude in middle school, they will be rude in high school as well. So don't waste your time trying to befriend them. That boy you have a crush on, he will be one of your best friends, I don't want you to worry because you haven't even met your best friend yet, you will meet her in your sophomore seminary class. Keep pushing it's only gonna get harder kid, but I know you can do it.

I love journals 
I'm not the best at writing every day in my journal, but I have the desire to
I want to be more confident with who I am and hide my thoughts less
I want to take more chances



Sincerely(a semi boring) Paislee Jane

ps. I just can't say 

Lost in a pathway of peonies

Song that fits my mood: don't worry about me// Frances

She was 4 years old with her polka-dot shorts covering her short little legs. Her father was walking right behind her, admiring how she saw the world like it was almost ultraviolet. 

        exaggerated.

Skipping, her soft braids blowing in the wind, he would never think to see her sin.

She fell and scraped her knee. In an instant there was no joy, for happiness was forever gone. There is no healing to a scrape on the knee. Frozen heart, instant tears. They will never cease to exist, always there. For now this is permanent, a cure wouldn't fix the pain she is in, it goes on forever. 

That's the most pointless thing I ever wrote.

We all know that a scrape on the knee only lasts an few days and over time it will heal. 

It Will. 

You can have 50/50 days vs positivity and negativity.

I lost games, I won games, I lost friends, I gained friends. etc...

Devastation, confusing, happiness, smiles, anger, but still confusion. This past week was filled with very high highs and super low lows. The future is unknown, but I want to know. I want to know if I did the right thing, I want to know how my story ends, I want to know If someday I will be picked. You look at me trying to figure out was is going on inside, my mind is overflowing, and I know you could tell. I smile through the weak nights, of tired eyes and dull sunshine. Tick tock, goes the clock on the dusty shelf in my room. And there I sit with a mind as messy as a Utah swimming pool during the spring. 

I will be here once again on a tightrope, but I made a deal with the ground, there will be no unexpected fall for I am forever in the air off the tightrope. Can you believe I jumped? I can hit into a moving car, shocked faces of the witnesses. Or I could fall into a heap of feathers. Two options, two very different moods. 

Do I regret my choice to jump?


Sometimes, but either way we will see what the future holds.

Sincerely, a very confused Paislee Jane

The pocketbook poem

I'm scared to say what I feel because I don't want to get broken

I'm scared to talk to my mom about topics that are not easily spoken

I'm scared to list what I'm scared of and have people see it and run

I'm scared to one day be in a hospital bed and never see the sun

I'm scared I won't feel loved or sometimes even liked

I'm scared I will never be as happy as when I first learned how to ride a bike

I'm scared that my friends just hangout with me because they feel bad for me

I'm scared to open up who I am and for you to see

I'm scared of what the future holds 

I'm scared that one day my cards will fold

I'm scared that I won't live as happy as the new couple down the street

I'm scared that while my friends all get married it will just be me

I'm scared to be alone

I'm scared to talk on the phone

But why do all these things scare me?

I guess you never will see

The girl who lives wild and free 

Is slowly loosing the key

To love not expecting to get broken

To open up but not be outspoken

Live each day as an actress, pretending your character isn't scared of anything, for only then can you overcome your fears, don't show them you are weak and shed no tears.

Your fears try to define you but they can't.

Fears are afraid of their own shadow, they can't even speak, don't listen to your fears after all they are so weak.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane