blush cheek, journal pages

My journal predicted this day, after all I was excited to the brim.


Jeez I feel like my whole life is so exciting, daring and scary at times but a thrilling adventure none the less.

Excited to Grow up

Excited to go on a date where a guy asked me.

Excited to drive my own car through the canyon with Taylor swift playing on the stereo

Excited for the time when the guy I liked looked at me with soft eyes

August 10th 2010,
Dear Journal,
I wish I could be in the Woods family, their life is so much better than ours. They get to go on fun vacations, and they have really nice stuff. It was so cool to see them, her wedding binder is also very cool- right now I hate school, seventh grade stinks, I don't have any nice friends. I can't wait till I go on my first x and get my first k.    
ps. I love getting good grades     

 (side thought: oh just wait till chemistry, also don't get your hopes up on the whole dating thing)

code translator in the back of my journal
x: Date
k: Kiss


Oh what an age of dreams, I read through my old journal entries and I seem to be lacking some self confidence. I was one of the tallest girls in 7th grade and I do suppose none of the guys were taller than me, after all most of the guys didn't hit their growth spurt till 9th grade. I made lists of what I could do to be popular, skinny, more in style with the fashion of the Alpine kids. But the thing is none of it ever mattered. You can't change the body God gave you, sure you can be healthy but he made you how you are for a reason. If I could write a letter to my seventh grade self to read I would write something like this.

Dear Little Paislee,
Don't compare yourself with the other girls. Promise? Stay innocent. Boys aren't worth it in middle school. Try and find the friends that you can be your quirky self around. Don't make your mom buy you those clothes to be like the other girls, because in high school nothing will change. If they were rude in middle school, they will be rude in high school as well. So don't waste your time trying to befriend them. That boy you have a crush on, he will be one of your best friends, I don't want you to worry because you haven't even met your best friend yet, you will meet her in your sophomore seminary class. Keep pushing it's only gonna get harder kid, but I know you can do it.

I love journals 
I'm not the best at writing every day in my journal, but I have the desire to
I want to be more confident with who I am and hide my thoughts less
I want to take more chances



Sincerely(a semi boring) Paislee Jane

ps. I just can't say 

Lost in a pathway of peonies

Song that fits my mood: don't worry about me// Frances

She was 4 years old with her polka-dot shorts covering her short little legs. Her father was walking right behind her, admiring how she saw the world like it was almost ultraviolet. 

        exaggerated.

Skipping, her soft braids blowing in the wind, he would never think to see her sin.

She fell and scraped her knee. In an instant there was no joy, for happiness was forever gone. There is no healing to a scrape on the knee. Frozen heart, instant tears. They will never cease to exist, always there. For now this is permanent, a cure wouldn't fix the pain she is in, it goes on forever. 

That's the most pointless thing I ever wrote.

We all know that a scrape on the knee only lasts an few days and over time it will heal. 

It Will. 

You can have 50/50 days vs positivity and negativity.

I lost games, I won games, I lost friends, I gained friends. etc...

Devastation, confusing, happiness, smiles, anger, but still confusion. This past week was filled with very high highs and super low lows. The future is unknown, but I want to know. I want to know if I did the right thing, I want to know how my story ends, I want to know If someday I will be picked. You look at me trying to figure out was is going on inside, my mind is overflowing, and I know you could tell. I smile through the weak nights, of tired eyes and dull sunshine. Tick tock, goes the clock on the dusty shelf in my room. And there I sit with a mind as messy as a Utah swimming pool during the spring. 

I will be here once again on a tightrope, but I made a deal with the ground, there will be no unexpected fall for I am forever in the air off the tightrope. Can you believe I jumped? I can hit into a moving car, shocked faces of the witnesses. Or I could fall into a heap of feathers. Two options, two very different moods. 

Do I regret my choice to jump?


Sometimes, but either way we will see what the future holds.

Sincerely, a very confused Paislee Jane

The pocketbook poem

I'm scared to say what I feel because I don't want to get broken

I'm scared to talk to my mom about topics that are not easily spoken

I'm scared to list what I'm scared of and have people see it and run

I'm scared to one day be in a hospital bed and never see the sun

I'm scared I won't feel loved or sometimes even liked

I'm scared I will never be as happy as when I first learned how to ride a bike

I'm scared that my friends just hangout with me because they feel bad for me

I'm scared to open up who I am and for you to see

I'm scared of what the future holds 

I'm scared that one day my cards will fold

I'm scared that I won't live as happy as the new couple down the street

I'm scared that while my friends all get married it will just be me

I'm scared to be alone

I'm scared to talk on the phone

But why do all these things scare me?

I guess you never will see

The girl who lives wild and free 

Is slowly loosing the key

To love not expecting to get broken

To open up but not be outspoken

Live each day as an actress, pretending your character isn't scared of anything, for only then can you overcome your fears, don't show them you are weak and shed no tears.

Your fears try to define you but they can't.

Fears are afraid of their own shadow, they can't even speak, don't listen to your fears after all they are so weak.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

smoke burning my eyes

She was never more confused. 

The sun gave her comfort and it was only a Saturday, why now. 

Her timing is all off. 

Its like making your bracket in April. It's like preforming a song then looking at the dynamics. Like planting a apple tree in the winter, but expecting to get an apple next week. 

There seems to be no hope. Glimpses make her realize how weeks can change everything. And when you keep what you really want to say bottled up inside stuck you will get nowhere. 

But it's hard to let it out. Silence seems like the best option, no of course she isn't playing the quiet game 24/7. But Lucky paper gets to know whats up, because she is fearful of what would happen if she let what she felt come out. 

Its a journal, a few years old, but that doesn't matter. Words, words of what is really going on are in there. They don't want to be scratched into a page they want to be roaming out loud. But she won't let them go free, there she sits hoarding them in because its a better place for them then out where the world can see what she really thinks. That's not true.

But there's nothing she can do(es), so there she sits. 

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

A tribute to you

When I got that text one Sunday afternoon, I couldn't believe that it was true. It couldn't have been, I knew you, after all we grew up together.

I remember our horse back ride with your sweet mom. You got bucked off, saying you were a pro.

Don't you remember? 

We went bowling, ice skating, watching endless movies during the summer, you would always kick the back of my chair. I acted like I was annoyed but I wasn't. I always brought treats to church because of you, smiles, laughs, happiness. I think you might have forgot. 

The transition from 9th to 10th grade not only changed the rubber soles we wore on our feet but it changed the people we opened our hearts up with. 

I REGRET IT. 

I regret my choice to change friend groups, I regret not being by your side. You got lost and I was ignorant about it. Maybe it would have happened anyways but I sure would have gone back to the first time our friend group hung out and didn't invite you. 

I'm sorry. 

Your birthday is in three days, and I wish you could be here for it.

I'm missin you, and I know others are too.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Bruises deep

I have bruises on my skin

Air flows into my lungs, I can breath

my heart beats, though most days its all too still. 
 I passed your work three times and I couldn't go in.

I was scared.

do robots get scared?

no.

but I did 

I walked into your work with a soft hello, 

I have no doubt there was a broken smile on my face

I miss you, but I'm not gonna tell you how I feel, 
because it is all too vulnerable 

IF WE WERE ROBOTS WE WOULDN'T FEEL, NO LOVE, NO HOPE, NO JOY

WE ARE NOT ROBOTS.

We can laugh when our little sister gets pushed into the pool, we cry when our heart is broken and it feels like there is nobody to turn to, we sigh when we finish our homework, complete. 

we are amazing creatures with intricate hearts, tunnels to our soul.

there is no undo button and that's what is so incredible.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Thursday Night

Thursday night

The salt lake air was warm. We stopped by nielson's to get a scoop of custard in our cups. Laughing. Under the illuminated sign, there we sat. The benches outside the little store held memories. Memories from now and from the past. Memories that came slow then memories that came fast. Summertime. Everything seemed to go right that summer we were on the road to fame, packing our bags with all we had, while cameras followed, we led the way. 

Thurdsay night, lost in memories as we shuffled in the car abandoning our little bench once again outside nielson's custard shop. It wasn't her car but she drove us to a place that was undisclosed. "Close your eyes" car turning. I kept my eyes open, there we pulled into a dark Salt Lake parking lot. "Follow me" Jumping out, the 5 of us walked into the building and into the elevator. A care center, a hospital, it was for the elderly, that's all I knew. She said her grandma was dying, heartbroken since words of her husband dying as well. We exited the elevator and walked over to the hallway outside the room where her grandparents remained. Family greeted us, wet eyes, planning. Planning a funeral that would be coming up, they all knew. 

She told me that her grandma would be gone before the morning, and her grandpa at the end of the week. I couldn't believe she would let us experience this with her. Sympathy. I didn't even know her grandparents were sick. Her mother gave us hugs an thanked us for coming. Her father told their family about us. He shared stories about our adventure at the cabin and our plane trips in the sky. We went through a lot together.

 I was afraid to see her grandparents. Not knowing what to expect. She told me their love story. They met in high school, he went to war and she wrote him everyday, they were madly in love with each other. Her health was good, when her husband made the decision to stop dialysis her heart broke. She told the mother she didn't want to live without him. She loves him, the kind of love only humans will understand.

The door opened and the five of us shuffled in with her parents behind us. There were the two of them on white hospital beds. The grandma was making death rattles. And with that I knew that she would be gone soon. My friend made a little joke about her grandma sounding like a humidifier. Her mother smiled long enough for her to know that everything was going to be okay. They could still be light hearted in the hardest situations. Love. The feeling of love was overflowing into my mind. The family was amazing, they were the kindest most accepting family I have ever seen. Each member there were examples to me. 

As we left the care center tears filled my eyes. Life is amazing. I learned so much just by sitting in her grandparents room.

I wish to have a love like her grandparents.

I wish to be more grateful for my life, and that I can live it right now. 

I don't want to look back and have regrets.

Friday morning. 

On my drive to school I thought about her grandma, and how she was doing. 

As I was thinking about her I received a text:

"Hey thanks for coming to my grandma's last night. That meant a lot to me. She died about an hour ago, and I'm really grateful for friends like you who would just go into a random care center and see a creepy dying old woman. Love you"

I am not a robot. For they can't truly feel. 

Sincerely, Paislee Jane