smoke burning my eyes

She was never more confused. 

The sun gave her comfort and it was only a Saturday, why now. 

Her timing is all off. 

Its like making your bracket in April. It's like preforming a song then looking at the dynamics. Like planting a apple tree in the winter, but expecting to get an apple next week. 

There seems to be no hope. Glimpses make her realize how weeks can change everything. And when you keep what you really want to say bottled up inside stuck you will get nowhere. 

But it's hard to let it out. Silence seems like the best option, no of course she isn't playing the quiet game 24/7. But Lucky paper gets to know whats up, because she is fearful of what would happen if she let what she felt come out. 

Its a journal, a few years old, but that doesn't matter. Words, words of what is really going on are in there. They don't want to be scratched into a page they want to be roaming out loud. But she won't let them go free, there she sits hoarding them in because its a better place for them then out where the world can see what she really thinks. That's not true.

But there's nothing she can do(es), so there she sits. 

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

A tribute to you

When I got that text one Sunday afternoon, I couldn't believe that it was true. It couldn't have been, I knew you, after all we grew up together.

I remember our horse back ride with your sweet mom. You got bucked off, saying you were a pro.

Don't you remember? 

We went bowling, ice skating, watching endless movies during the summer, you would always kick the back of my chair. I acted like I was annoyed but I wasn't. I always brought treats to church because of you, smiles, laughs, happiness. I think you might have forgot. 

The transition from 9th to 10th grade not only changed the rubber soles we wore on our feet but it changed the people we opened our hearts up with. 

I REGRET IT. 

I regret my choice to change friend groups, I regret not being by your side. You got lost and I was ignorant about it. Maybe it would have happened anyways but I sure would have gone back to the first time our friend group hung out and didn't invite you. 

I'm sorry. 

Your birthday is in three days, and I wish you could be here for it.

I'm missin you, and I know others are too.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Bruises deep

I have bruises on my skin

Air flows into my lungs, I can breath

my heart beats, though most days its all too still. 
 I passed your work three times and I couldn't go in.

I was scared.

do robots get scared?

no.

but I did 

I walked into your work with a soft hello, 

I have no doubt there was a broken smile on my face

I miss you, but I'm not gonna tell you how I feel, 
because it is all too vulnerable 

IF WE WERE ROBOTS WE WOULDN'T FEEL, NO LOVE, NO HOPE, NO JOY

WE ARE NOT ROBOTS.

We can laugh when our little sister gets pushed into the pool, we cry when our heart is broken and it feels like there is nobody to turn to, we sigh when we finish our homework, complete. 

we are amazing creatures with intricate hearts, tunnels to our soul.

there is no undo button and that's what is so incredible.

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Thursday Night

Thursday night

The salt lake air was warm. We stopped by nielson's to get a scoop of custard in our cups. Laughing. Under the illuminated sign, there we sat. The benches outside the little store held memories. Memories from now and from the past. Memories that came slow then memories that came fast. Summertime. Everything seemed to go right that summer we were on the road to fame, packing our bags with all we had, while cameras followed, we led the way. 

Thurdsay night, lost in memories as we shuffled in the car abandoning our little bench once again outside nielson's custard shop. It wasn't her car but she drove us to a place that was undisclosed. "Close your eyes" car turning. I kept my eyes open, there we pulled into a dark Salt Lake parking lot. "Follow me" Jumping out, the 5 of us walked into the building and into the elevator. A care center, a hospital, it was for the elderly, that's all I knew. She said her grandma was dying, heartbroken since words of her husband dying as well. We exited the elevator and walked over to the hallway outside the room where her grandparents remained. Family greeted us, wet eyes, planning. Planning a funeral that would be coming up, they all knew. 

She told me that her grandma would be gone before the morning, and her grandpa at the end of the week. I couldn't believe she would let us experience this with her. Sympathy. I didn't even know her grandparents were sick. Her mother gave us hugs an thanked us for coming. Her father told their family about us. He shared stories about our adventure at the cabin and our plane trips in the sky. We went through a lot together.

 I was afraid to see her grandparents. Not knowing what to expect. She told me their love story. They met in high school, he went to war and she wrote him everyday, they were madly in love with each other. Her health was good, when her husband made the decision to stop dialysis her heart broke. She told the mother she didn't want to live without him. She loves him, the kind of love only humans will understand.

The door opened and the five of us shuffled in with her parents behind us. There were the two of them on white hospital beds. The grandma was making death rattles. And with that I knew that she would be gone soon. My friend made a little joke about her grandma sounding like a humidifier. Her mother smiled long enough for her to know that everything was going to be okay. They could still be light hearted in the hardest situations. Love. The feeling of love was overflowing into my mind. The family was amazing, they were the kindest most accepting family I have ever seen. Each member there were examples to me. 

As we left the care center tears filled my eyes. Life is amazing. I learned so much just by sitting in her grandparents room.

I wish to have a love like her grandparents.

I wish to be more grateful for my life, and that I can live it right now. 

I don't want to look back and have regrets.

Friday morning. 

On my drive to school I thought about her grandma, and how she was doing. 

As I was thinking about her I received a text:

"Hey thanks for coming to my grandma's last night. That meant a lot to me. She died about an hour ago, and I'm really grateful for friends like you who would just go into a random care center and see a creepy dying old woman. Love you"

I am not a robot. For they can't truly feel. 

Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Walking on a Tightrope

What would it be like to walk on a tightrope?

a distance from something and nothing.

falling is your biggest fear

but what if the ground is close and it would catch you?

what if the ground agreed on you falling 

and the ground knew it would have your back

that seems like a perfect relationship?

What would it be like to walk on a tightrope-

blindfolded.

you can't tell how high up you are

you wan't to see if the ground would be there for you

but what if you are too high and the ground is too low


I don't want to be on a tightrope

I don't want to be blindfolded

I want to be on the ground.

sometimes you gotta make the choice to stay on the tightrope or stay on the ground.



Pais can only stay on the tightrope for a little longer.
It's not a good place to sit and watch the sunsets fade and stars twinkle.



Sincerely, Paislee Jane

Red Hot

Not like a red hot tamale. More like a red hot face. I'm not blushing tho... quite the opposite

When I walk outside I see my shadow and instantly look at my hair. Sometimes I see it blowing loose and free. It looks majestic, sometimes long, sometimes short. As I keep walking it keeps changing. 

I sit in a bench in the park. People watch. Who are they, he, she, her, him? And where'd you get that dog? 

Someone asked if I was okay today. I lied. I'm angry. But I'm fine.



I dropped my phone in the sink and it sunk, but surprisingly I felt completely okay. It went down the drain. spiraling all the way to the sea, maybe dory will find it and use it as a heater. 

Can I live in the 50s. No phones just a cute boy on your doorstep. That wouldn't happen, I've never even said the words "i like you". I'm going to bed early, Hopefully I can forget today as I sleep.

Sincerely, a not so paislee Paislee Jane

Silver and Gold

It is bright yellow on the outside, and it's almost radiating with light, or at least the part that everyone sees.

Lots of people think it is clean, all put together, like a nice bookshelf with books that are perfectly placed. 

There are peonies on the outside blossoming, but not everyone can see them you have to have the right sunglasses on to see them.

When you walk in, the entry way is welcoming, a light blue hue covers the tall walls, there is a huge picture hanging on the wall that states personal affirmations. For those are key. As you walk through the entry towards the middle of the house you see light.

On the left you see a dark hallway, it is very skinny, and it can only fit one person. As you go down the hallway you see a few rooms. The rooms hold experiences. You don't really want to walk in because the walls are grey and it makes you feel sad. 

You leave the hallway with a better sense of mind. Without the darkness the light wouldn't be as bright. Looking at the open floor plan bright doors all around, as you go closer to the door on the right a smile spreads across your face. For this memory includes you. there are many more doors appearing all over the place and a spiral staircase leads to more and more doors. Some doors are less bright but there is always the option to turn the brightness up, otherwise called optimism.

Family photos cover the walls.

A whole room dedicated to friends. 

The room where all positive complements are kept.

At the top of the spiral staircase has silver chains on it with a gold lock. The door has a fogged glass window so you can barely see what's inside, there is white walls, naive was written and crossed out on the chalk board. This room is fragile. You can tell whoever has the key to this room has the key to her heart. When you reach in your pocket you find a key. It fits the lock perfectly. 

You are now inside my head. It won't make much sense to you but it does to me. This kid in my math class said that I had it all together, that's not true. I have bad days every other day. And when I do I make it a point to listen to "not my day" by Keith James  

Sincerely, Paislee Jane